A Roadmap for Life Transitions: Lessons from Beth Allison

Have you ever thought about how to navigate the challenging waters of aging and end-of-life care? Well, you're not alone. We had an enlightening conversation with life transitions coach, Beth Allison, who shared her personal story of how a simple card from her grandfather ignited her passion for guiding others through these difficult discussions. She helps us understand how crucial it is to prepare for the inevitable, ensuring our loved ones' wishes are respected and honored.

Beth's insights not only help us to understand the essential role of a Power of Attorney, but they also provide us with practical ways to introduce these sensitive topics to our families. You'll learn the importance of having written instructions and how these simple but vital tools can offer your family clarity during challenging times. We also shed light on the power of altruism, featuring Perfect Pals, a local organization devoted to the rescue and care of stray cats. Life's transitions may be tough, but with the right tools and mindset, we can learn to navigate them with grace. Tune in and arm yourself with valuable insights from our conversation with Beth.

Contact today's Guest
beth@withinucoaching.com

www.withinucoaching.com

Thank you to Today's Co-Host
Carol Lamar with Purrfect Pals (Our Cause of the Quarter)

Transcript

Heather: 0:01

Welcome to At the Table where we are connecting entrepreneurs, discovering missions and building communities with purpose, body, soul, mind and business, with Charlie and Heather with free time solutions. Welcome to another amazing Friday. I'm Heather, your host here at the Table, and I would like to you to welcome Carol Lamar, our co-host. Hi everybody, and today we are so blessed to have another one of the gems we found at Coach Jackie's retreat. She is so caring and kind and has so much to give to us. I absolutely love her poetry and I love how she's willing to help anybody in the community. I really enjoy getting to know you. So please welcome Beth Allison with In you. Coaching.

Beth: 1:06

It's great to be here, Heather. It's been a while since we've chatted, so it's nice to see and talk to you again, and it's nice to meet you, Carol.

Heather: 1:15

So it's so great that we're here, and so, carol, why don't you go ahead and introduce a little bit about what you do? Just real quick, a little bit.

Carol: 1:26

Yeah, so I'm the deputy director at an organization called Perfect Pals and that's filled with PURR like a cat purring, because we're a cat shelter, so we also have a sanctuary, so we specialize in special needs cats, and so we have right now about 100 cats that have varying issues, and we get most of our funding from donors and grants to help take care of these kitties and then we get them to a point where they're stable or healthy and we get them out into loving homes. So how wonderful.

Heather: 2:05

All right, beth. I would love to know, because the word coaching and we've interviewed a lot of coaches it covers a wide variety Could you tell us a little bit more about what you specifically work with?

Beth: 2:17

Absolutely. I am a life transitions coach so I help folks navigating life transitions, most specifically, whether they're doing a career change and need some help in figuring out how to go about that. But the one that's near and dear to my heart is those folks who are caring for loved ones who have dementia, as my mom had Alzheimer's. So there's a lot I wish I knew then, that I know now, and so I like to impart that with people who are currently going through it to make it easier for them on the journey.

Heather: 2:54

I'm excited about the conversation today because that's what we're going to talk about. Because we're going to talk about those difficult conversations that we need to have with family members when they can still have them. And, yeah, sometimes that's not the easiest thing to do. Not everybody had a grandpa like mine that sat me down in my 20s and said we're going to have a serious conversation and he's like this is how it's all going to go and there's a card in my wallet. So it was great for me because I was able to tell my grandma when he was, when he passed there's a card in the wallet, grandma. It takes care of. It's going to take care of everything. It's already planned. It's all good.

Beth: 3:35

So what a wonderful gift from your grandfather it was, and she did not remember the card.

Heather: 3:40

In that moment of stress she's like, oh, I forgot about that, but he made such a deal of talking to me and having that really weird, awkward conversation. So I'm excited to learn how to instigate those conversations instead of be the recipient of them.

Beth: 3:59

Yeah, they're not easy conversations to have. Nobody wants to talk about as their aging or what will happen, you know, end of life conversations. Nobody really wants to think about that. Nobody wants to bring up the topic right. It's a little bit taboo, but I learned along the way was kind of bringing it into everyday conversations. For those who don't know, my mother had Alzheimer's. My father was the primary caregiver and she stayed at home until the very end of her life. I had never had any conversations with my mother about what it was that she wanted lean forward the weapon toward мы Right, everyday conversations, right.

Beth: 5:30

So I would then say, oh, what have they planned for Right, are they in a retirement community or are they in a plan? And I think that's a good point. I think that's a good point Because I have continual care through the stages Right, just to start to plant seeds, and so really, I brought the conversation in through third party, which made it kind of interesting and it wasn't like let's sit down and have this conversation Right. And I was like I'm going to be open to it because of previous conversations with my mother and at the end of her life, there were certain things that we weren't sure about. So we my brother and I trusted my dad that he knew what she wanted, because we didn't, so we couldn't, we couldn't argue it. I, I have no doubt that we honored her wishes, but with my dad Right, and I think that's a good point. And I think that's a good point. It's kind of One of the things I've realized is he was so focused on my mother Right, and not the, the things that would be happening to him as he's caring for my mom.

Beth: 6:56

Example is he had to have some eye surgery. I took him in as we're checking in. So I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I was my mother and I'm like she doesn't have the capacity to serve that role. And we both had that Ah ha Right. Like, oh, right, she. And so after his, surgery.

Heather: 7:18

Can we define what a power to journey is for somebody that maybe doesn't know what that means and why that's so important? Because you do need somebody that can make good decisions for you.

Beth: 7:30

Right, it's decisions. It's some can be financial. There's also the Like a healthcare proxy I think they're called different and different states, to be totally honest but somebody who's responsible for the healthcare decision. So if something had gone wrong During that surgery for my dad, at that point I really didn't have the power to make those decisions. Right, all went well. Right, there were no issues. There's also power of returning really has more on the financial side too. So if he could no longer write checks, you know, as a result of something, then I think that's a really important thing. I think that's a really important thing On our behalf. Right, there are those things that people are just they're so focused on the caregiving aspects and taking care of that in the day to day Are they dressed, are they eating and that type of thing. So, you know, we kind of learned that we're Having to do a little bit more of that now and it's going to be really helpful for our families.

Beth: 8:51

We've done that and that's going to be a lot of work for them to do and we've made a lot of money on these policies and independent living. But we were. He'll appreciate that and you know so there are things in it as well. It was written when my mom was alive and so he's re-looking at it to make adjustments and it's so much better when he is Right. We talked about when he needs more assistance and help.

Beth: 9:24

Does he want you know people to come in and take care of him or does he want to move to the assisted living part of the facility he's in? Does he want to go to a different facility? Right, and one of the things in here that we had to cover is what are his finances Right? So it's real important to understand the facilities that, what they take and what they don't take. And I kind of equate it to when you have a realtor and you're looking for a house right, if your loved one has Medicare and that's what they have, only look at facilities that take Medicare, because it's like a realtor if you show that, if you have a budget of $200,000, and you don't want them showing you a $300,000 house that you can't afford, because now that's what you're going to want, right, and it's the same thing, right? So, understanding that, so do that kind of research before you're researching where they could go. But I also I told my dad when we were having the conversations I'm doing this selfishly, I said because when the time comes, maybe you don't and God takes you in your sleep one night and go peacefully, right? But if not at that time, that it needs to progress, I will feel less guilty in that progression because you will have been part of the decision-making process and my hope is that you will feel less angry because you will remember that you had a part in that decision. So when it comes, you're like yeah, we talked about this, this is what makes sense.

Beth: 11:19

And through my coaching and helping people navigate this. I do not say it will be easy, but I can make this journey easier through those difficult conversations, addressing the feelings that come along, because there's resentment, there's guilt, there's anger, there's a whole host of emotions that come through that sometimes people don't want to admit or acknowledge. And in the coaching world you can come and you can spew all of them at me and they're all valid. They're all very, very valid. But having those conversations is really key and starting them early.

Beth: 12:04

And I think the key is I started them with my dad through what he was witnessing with friends of his older friends as they went through it. So and I think that my own personal journey I left corporate America after 35 plus years In the course of trying to figure out what I wanted to do, I ended up coaching and it was great because of the skills and the things that I learned during that time helped me coach my dad through. I think it was also a little protective. I could put on the coaching hat and knock the daughter pat.

Carol: 12:48

So I have a question for you.

Heather: 12:50

Oh sorry, heather, do you want to go for it?

Carol: 12:52

Oh OK. How do you approach a loved one that might be in denial about the fact that they need extra care or it's time, you know, because I firmly believe we are not. Nobody is getting out of this world alive, that's just the reality of it, and I think that end of life care and all of that should be a normal part of our conversations, but I know that's not the case for a lot of people. And so if you're in a position where, say, your loved one is in denial, how do you approach that? Because I know you probably got to do it with kid gloves, I would think.

Beth: 13:31

You do, and it's kind of again kind of looking at a third party or somebody else that has that that they know like did you have you heard? Have you seen Right? And so it's a way of maybe kind of putting up a mirror right for them.

Beth: 13:52

That's good. There's also the approach of coming from help me, help you, right, that's good. I'm noticing this. Is that really what is happening? And if they push back right, which is probably what's going to happen, the first time out the gate, you kind of back off, but you bring it back again, you know, maybe from a different angle, right, and so, because when you're not talking about it, they're probably thinking about that or you know, you've sparked something. We're all in denial, especially for, right, we all are. We're. My parents are going to live forever, right, you know they're going to die in their sleep, right, the ultimate thing that you don't. But, ok, do you know that after, after they die peacefully, what you're going to do? Do you know?

Carol: 14:55

Right.

Beth: 14:56

Do they want to be cremated? Do they want to? I heard something composting. Never heard of it.

Heather: 15:03

Like there's yeah.

Beth: 15:06

Right, if you haven't had the conversations, you don't know, right.

Carol: 15:11

Right.

Beth: 15:12

But so I would do that either put mirrors up by using third person right.

Heather: 15:19

Could you walk us through what that means, because I think I kind of understand what you mean by third person, but I think someone listening might not understand that concept.

Beth: 15:29

Yeah. So, like in the instances where my dad would say he had talked with Jim, you know, and you know Jim's wife, mary, was really struggling, she'd been diagnosed with Parkinson's right. And I'm like, well, oh, that's really too bad, what are they doing to handle that? What do you know If you were in that situation, dad? And that was mom, right, so it's the story of somebody else, but applying it to how it could relate to that person, whether they see it or not, my mother didn't see her all timers and she blamed my father and I because she would have been fine if we didn't make her go to doctors. Yeah, right, so it was our fault, because then she wouldn't have been diagnosed, right. So you know, it's those types of things. So you know, if your parent is talking about while I talk to Mary, and she's really struggling, she's not happy, she's expressed a, michael, what kind of advice did you give her? Like, what did you tell her? Was there anything that you know you were able to provide? They know it, they're just not talking about it, right? No, I don't want that Like, but like my mother, but this was early on.

Beth: 17:07

I think it was around the time that her father passed away, and you know we had. They did not want an open casket. The funeral home thought they did a great job on my grandfather and so wanted to show us, and my mother had a was not happy. Let's just say that. And then that's when we got the immediate that's not what you're going to do, okay, no open casket. And so, and ironically, she got the funeral of her, her wishes, well beyond what she wanted. She passed in during COVID. It was outside at the grave site. There was only family. I mean, it was exactly what I will tell you, though. It was open casket, but it was only family.

Beth: 17:58

I will tell her that, because that's about you too, as the family, saying goodbye to her Like yeah, and that was and I think she would be okay with that, right, I think, family but not to the public and all that. So again, we honored her the way she got her way as well, because she was never with somebody who liked to be in like a group or center of attention or any of that. But that's kind of, carol, how I would approach it. Does that make sense to you?

Carol: 18:33

It does, absolutely yeah.

Heather: 18:38

I think that we had the conversations in our family because both my grandparents parents passed away in a very short time, like all of the parents passed. So, dealing with all of that at the same time, my grandpa was like, yeah, I'm not doing leaving this for my kids, right, Like I'm going to have everything lined up and ready to go, and that can be the approach too, right, If you're looking at this for yourself even, right, you know, what kind of what do you want, so that when you're having the conversations you can be like well, I want this, what do you think about this? You know, that's even another way to do it.

Beth: 19:23

It is. It's important for us and that's why I said how their, what your grandfather did, it was a gift. Yeah Right, how do you gift? The final gift you can give your family right Is kind of instructions, right, so they don't have to think about it. They've got the emotions, you know, and they're going to want to do the best. I remember my parents talked about, you know, having everything outlined. Well, guess what? They didn't get there right.

Beth: 20:00

Yeah, they hadn't taken that step right. So, and we, you know, were, you know, doing all the things. Some of it was out of our hands because of COVID, but there were just certain things, and but we know what my dad wants, what his wishes are. I've still asked him to put it in writing to make sure that it's clear, because again our emotions will get in. I don't know.

Heather: 20:34

I didn't make that conversation that way, or?

Beth: 20:40

Exactly I've asked him to have that. We are doing our best of having my brother and I and my dad having the conversation, so my brother and I are hearing the same thing, so that if my father thinks it's different we can say no, dad, or it comes time. I know that my dad has chosen to be cremated and then buried on top of my mom Like she's in the casket. She did not want to be burned and so we know that. But at that time if I or my brother go, I can't say tell them to flip that switch right, because, for whatever reason, right.

Beth: 21:39

But if it's written the executor of the will, right. Who is the? And the executor is somebody who make sure that all the wishes of the deceased are executed according to the last will and testament, right. And if in the last will and testament it says that you know his wishes to be cremated, the executor make sure. It's so much better If my brother and I agree right. That it's not a bone of contention today. God knows what will happen. My father informed me the other day 95 was going to be the age so like good to know he's writing to me here for a while.

Beth: 22:26

Yeah, still so much life to live, he does and you know, and that's wonderful, but we also aware that he really doesn't have all that much control. So you know, things are in place and so I started it again. I wish I had started these conversations with my mother as well, and so I've had great conversations with my dad, never had them with my mom. Wish I did, because that also would have made it easier on my dad All of the decisions, right, I could talk to him, I could coach him right through what we were doing. We talked about it. We included my brother, who he and I were living in Connecticut.

Beth: 23:13

My brother was in Virginia, right, so you even got to navigate distance, whether you're the, you know, the person in the wheel. My brother was part of it. We needed to include him. My father would start having conversations. I'm like, okay, hold, we need to conference John and or hold this conversation until he's available, right. And so one of the reasons we moved to Virginia was so that my brother could, you know, be more present as my father ages and I have, I have help so that I'm not, you know, the only person right there. But for a lot of people that's not reasonable. I had no family, no kids, so it was easy for me to eat up and move, much easier than my brother to up and move with his wife and poor kids and grandchildren. And you know some things that tethered him to Virginia, some very wonderful things.

Heather: 24:12

You're right. Do you have any other questions, Carol?

Carol: 24:18

Well, I was just kind of going to piggyback on something too. I think it's so important too, like you're saying, like start those conversations early. But even you know, like my mom used to always tell me like she went on vacation to Mexico when I was younger and she said I just want to let you know where all the paperwork is if something happens. And I'm sitting there going, you know I'm young, she's still young, right, and I'm like why are we having this conversation? This is really uncomfortable. I don't want to think about you dying. It's just because I need you to know, right, and when she passed away a couple of years ago and she had everything in order and it really sparked something in me I have kids.

Carol: 25:02

My husband and I just this year went on a vacation together without the kids, and I started before we left. I thought we have to get our will in place. We need to make sure that if something happens of both of us, our kids aren't left with or in my brother my poor brother also left with things going into probate and not knowing what to do with all the assets that might be coming their way, or all the house. Like how do we want all that to happen and you know we're not at that stage of life where we need care and things like that. But also you know anything could happen, you know, and it's just making sure that all that paperwork's in place. You know we've got together our power of attorney paperwork and all of that stuff, just in case maybe one of us becomes incapacitated, you know. And so it just was a relief off my shoulders. And then, of course, my kids were doing the same thing I did when we sat them down and explained to them what our wishes were it's fine, whatever.

Carol: 26:10

I don't want to talk about this, you know, but it is. I think it is important and it's important to normalize it. It has to be a part of our everyday conversations because it's going to happen to everybody at some point, unless the universe decides that they're going to take us out quick.

Heather: 26:26

You know, most of us are going to age and need some sort of assistance at some point, exactly Because what a gift it would have been if you had actually passed on a wonderful vacation for you, right Like you're not going to go through suffering or anything Right. I actually had a friend who went on a cruise and she that's where she passed. She passed on the cruise. It was so.

Carol: 26:50

Oh wow.

Heather: 26:51

Like all of us were just in shock. We were like, yeah, like it really does happen. So, and I love the idea of normalizing it and that you could call Beth and you get help normalizing it if you're like I can't do this or if you're just like I need to do this and I want support, like having someone on your side on how to talk about things, because sometimes we get in our heads or I tend to like Like it comes all the words and you know it's a delicate situation. You don't want to do that. So having someone help you on how to talk about the things and then to talk about your own feelings about them, because like your kids, right, like they're like whoa, so maybe you want to have these conversations, but you have your own feelings you need to work through what a great opportunity.

Heather: 27:48

I want to talk about a couple of events that are coming up. I know Beth is taking part of an event. It's called the Retreat to the Farm Women's Conference in September in Virginia. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that?

Beth: 28:08

Farm, eight or ten mini cabins which have a queen size bed, a side table and like a porch, and then there is a main house and I will actually be doing coaching on life transitions. So it's more general than the dementia a little bit, maybe more uplifting too. So it's a free treat. We don't want to go there, but because there are elements of all my coaching that are similar, so I'll be doing that. There will be a coach there who is going to coach on relationships, mary Louise, who is our great host for the event. Yes, she is a nutrition and fitness coach, so she will be coaching on that. And then we do have a woman who I believe there's dancing, but I think it's going to be belly dancing, so getting a little bit out of it.

Heather: 29:20

It's so good.

Beth: 29:23

Yeah, just women gathering out in nature. You know people can just do downtime. There will be some activities scheduled, but you can opt in or opt out of those and just really a great time to be out in nature. It's September here in Virginia. It will be beautiful. The leaves will be turning their fruit trees on the property that you could just pick and eat.

Heather: 29:55

So it's going to be a fun time. I wonder why you guys are so excited, and I know that Carol and Perfect Cat Balls have a big event coming up in October. You want to tell us a little bit about that, carol?

Carol: 30:11

Yes, so we have our annual auction and fundraiser. It's called the Black Cat Ball and I do not have a calendar in front of me.

Heather: 30:21

It's in October. We'll do it. It's on a Saturday.

Carol: 30:26

It's like the second or third Saturday of October. But if you go to perfectpalsorg there, is a button we're looking at the 14th 14th Thank you.

Beth: 30:37

It's a Saturday.

Carol: 30:40

So, yeah, I think the 16th must be a Monday then. So, yes, the 14th. And you can go to perfectpalsorg. There's a link you can click on that will take you to the Black Cat Ball page where you can purchase tickets. If you have any items you want to donate for the auction, you can do that there also, and then also you can email if you have any questions. There should be an email there for that, and it's a lot of fun. We have it in October so you can wear costumes. We have a costume contest. You can wear casual clothes. Some people come in ball gowns, it's just whatever you want to do. Just be you and have fun, and all the money goes to supporting the cats and making sure that they get the care that they need during the year.

Heather: 31:33

So fabulous ladies. Thank you so much for being here today. Thank you, beth, for joining us. From Virginia, my pleasure. Thank you, Carol, for jumping in and being a co-host.

Heather: 31:46

You're welcome and thank you to our audience so much for joining us and being part of this conversation, of starting hard conversations, and stay tuned to hear a little bit more about our cause of the quarter, which is Perfect Mouse Namaste. As entrepreneurs, we have a unique opportunity to make a positive impact in the world around us. In a time when the world is shifting towards supporting local businesses and embracing community-driven initiatives, it becomes even more important for us to give where our heart leads us At the table. We believe in the power of giving back and that's why we have our cause of the quarter. This quarter we are proud to support Perfect Pals, a local organization dedicated to rescuing and providing care for stray cats in our community. By supporting local causes like Perfect Pals, we not only make a difference in the lives of those in need, but we also contribute to the growth and well-being of our local community. We believe in small acts of kindness, and they can create a ripple effect of positivity, inspiring others to do the same. As we shift our focus solely from supporting large corporations to championing local businesses and giving back, we not only strengthen our community, but we also foster a sense of connection and unity. Together, we can create a thriving ecosystem where everyone can flourish. So let's follow our hearts and give where it truly matters. Join in supporting Perfect Pals and making a difference in the lives of these furry companions. Together, we can make our community a better place, one act of kindness at a time. Thank you for being part of our journey and for embracing the spirit of giving. Together, let's create a brighter future for all.

Heather: 33:55

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Heather: 34:46

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